An old adage that I have been heard to say on more then one ocassion is "You mustn't wish your life away". A sentiment familiar to people the world over I am sure. This is something that I regularly ignore when I spend my whole working week wishing that it was the weekend.
I used to look forward to the weekend to have a lie in, go shopping, see friends and family and spend time with my husband. When you become a mum and work full time all these priorities for the weekend go out the window. Of course I love to spend time with my husband and see friends and family whenever possible but there is a certain very small person that I can't wait to spend lots of quality time with. Now my weekends consist of what I can do with her. Lie ins are a dim and distant memory and my time to rest is once she is in bed and all the chores are done. I am not saying this for sympathy but to explain that this is my life and I love that part of it. I wouldn't have my world any other way. Sunday is family day in our house. Whatever we are doing on that day we do it together as a family. This weekend we are heading to the swimming pool.
On the flip side of all the quality time that we have at the weekend is the guilt that can be overwhelming when I go to work Monday to Friday. Circumstances dictate that I work full time, a situation that I know there are thousands of other mums in. To know I am not alone does not make the guilt any easier to bear. My little girl is in a very good nursery that we are really happy with and she has friends there. When we arrive every morning she seems genuinely happy to be there. This is all small consolation. I am fortunate in my job that I can get to pick her up at the latest 5pm, some days as early as 4pm. I try to always make sure that on a Friday I am there as early as I can manage. Today that wasn't possible and I actually cried as I felt so guilty. I got to the nursery at 4.45 and found myself running up the path to the nursery to get there as quickly as I possibly could. I know she doesn't understand and half an hour makes no difference to her but that doesn't make me feel any better.
Now I find myself in the position of permanently wishing my life away as the weekends are my time with my little girl.
Friday, 20 January 2012
Monday, 16 January 2012
Counting my blessings
Every day in my job I cross paths with a very diverse range of people. Today one conversation I had made me really stop and think.
It made me reflect on all the positive things in my life that I am grateful for. The person in question is going through a major life changing situation at a crucial time in their life and handling it in an extremely mature and positive way.
I may moan and get stressed sometimes and I have been known to use the odd obscenity, but I am truly lucky in many ways. I have a close and very supportive family which has many members, I have a wonderful husband and an extremely beautiful daughter. I am fortunate to have several close friends, several of whom I work with. I live in a lovely, albeit small, house and we own our own car. If something terrible were to happen I know there are many people I could call on for help. Finally, although I may find it stressful and struggle in the morning when the alarm goes off, my work does on occasion surprise me and make me thankful that I pursued my dream and succeeded.
It made me reflect on all the positive things in my life that I am grateful for. The person in question is going through a major life changing situation at a crucial time in their life and handling it in an extremely mature and positive way.
I may moan and get stressed sometimes and I have been known to use the odd obscenity, but I am truly lucky in many ways. I have a close and very supportive family which has many members, I have a wonderful husband and an extremely beautiful daughter. I am fortunate to have several close friends, several of whom I work with. I live in a lovely, albeit small, house and we own our own car. If something terrible were to happen I know there are many people I could call on for help. Finally, although I may find it stressful and struggle in the morning when the alarm goes off, my work does on occasion surprise me and make me thankful that I pursued my dream and succeeded.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Preparing for an exam
As a teacher in a large mixed comprehensive I deal with a considerable number of students aged 11-18. Our year eleven students took one of their modules for English Language today and I was interesting to see how the members of my class reacted differently to this. I think that a lot of my colleagues would be of the same opinion as me no matter what ability set they teach.
Today was a Reading exam that the students had taken last summer but needed to retake due to results that were not as good as we hoped. I would like to add here that my department year after year gets very good results above the national average and we are very proud of them. Last summer there seemed to be an anomaly with this exam as our students met or beat the national average and still did poorly. Anyway, I digress purely for the sake of context as I think that the fact it was a retake will have had an impact on how the students approached the exam. I also think that in education now there is a greater culture of retaking exams for all different subjects and that this will naturally make students less worried about taking exams. Terminal exams have a different feel and significance.
I am loath the say it but I do believe there is a gender divide in a very broad sense but I will add the disclaimer that there are obviously many exceptions to this generalisation. I would say that girls appear to take an exam more seriously then boys. I cannot say this for certain but, judging by the students in my class, more of the girls then boys were doing extra revision over and above what I set and were asking me to check it for them. The girls were also more generally inclined to ask questions and seek clarification on their understanding. Just before Christmas the students sat a mock exam and it was apparent that the girls were more interested in the targets I had set for them; although all the students were very excited to find out their grades. I think this worked as a motivation for a number of students as they saw that they got a better grade then in the previous exam and this gave their self confidence a boost. They were able to see that they were more competent then they believed they were. I think that this need for reassurance and proof in writing of what they are capable of is something more necessary for the boys although all students do benefit from positive feedback and affirmation.
After the exam it was really interesting to chat to my students and find out how they felt it went. They were all generally positive and eager to share their experience but it seemed to be the boys that needed reassurance if they felt that they might possibly have done something wrong. They wanted to know if I thought they might still be able to get a good grade.
I teach a lot of very interesting young people who are diverse in their experiences and personalities and it certainly keeps me on my toes. As I said before I know I am making some sweeping generalisations and I am purely basing my thoughts on my own experiences of the classes I have taught in previous years as well as my current year eleven students. Going back to my own schooling I would perhaps draw the same conclusions. I went to a mixed school with a huge variety of students but I think that the differences in the genders was similar then. (I will hasten to add that I am not that old!)
All I can do now is wait until the results are published in March and hope that my students get the grades that they deserve. By this I mean very good grades!!
I will just leave you with one final quote of the week. One of the students in my colleagues class was heard to say yesterday "We have an exam coming up soon don't we?" That particular student was a girl!
Today was a Reading exam that the students had taken last summer but needed to retake due to results that were not as good as we hoped. I would like to add here that my department year after year gets very good results above the national average and we are very proud of them. Last summer there seemed to be an anomaly with this exam as our students met or beat the national average and still did poorly. Anyway, I digress purely for the sake of context as I think that the fact it was a retake will have had an impact on how the students approached the exam. I also think that in education now there is a greater culture of retaking exams for all different subjects and that this will naturally make students less worried about taking exams. Terminal exams have a different feel and significance.
I am loath the say it but I do believe there is a gender divide in a very broad sense but I will add the disclaimer that there are obviously many exceptions to this generalisation. I would say that girls appear to take an exam more seriously then boys. I cannot say this for certain but, judging by the students in my class, more of the girls then boys were doing extra revision over and above what I set and were asking me to check it for them. The girls were also more generally inclined to ask questions and seek clarification on their understanding. Just before Christmas the students sat a mock exam and it was apparent that the girls were more interested in the targets I had set for them; although all the students were very excited to find out their grades. I think this worked as a motivation for a number of students as they saw that they got a better grade then in the previous exam and this gave their self confidence a boost. They were able to see that they were more competent then they believed they were. I think that this need for reassurance and proof in writing of what they are capable of is something more necessary for the boys although all students do benefit from positive feedback and affirmation.
After the exam it was really interesting to chat to my students and find out how they felt it went. They were all generally positive and eager to share their experience but it seemed to be the boys that needed reassurance if they felt that they might possibly have done something wrong. They wanted to know if I thought they might still be able to get a good grade.
I teach a lot of very interesting young people who are diverse in their experiences and personalities and it certainly keeps me on my toes. As I said before I know I am making some sweeping generalisations and I am purely basing my thoughts on my own experiences of the classes I have taught in previous years as well as my current year eleven students. Going back to my own schooling I would perhaps draw the same conclusions. I went to a mixed school with a huge variety of students but I think that the differences in the genders was similar then. (I will hasten to add that I am not that old!)
All I can do now is wait until the results are published in March and hope that my students get the grades that they deserve. By this I mean very good grades!!
I will just leave you with one final quote of the week. One of the students in my colleagues class was heard to say yesterday "We have an exam coming up soon don't we?" That particular student was a girl!
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Christmas decorations and Twelfth Night
Today my in-laws came over and took our daughter out for a few hours. We took the opportunity to put the Christmas decorations back up in the loft and take the tree up to the recycling point. My mum-in-law is quite a philosophical person and made a very good point that really got me thinking. She said that every time she puts their Christmas decorations away she stops and thinks for a moment about what will happen between that time and the time when she next gets the decorations back out.
I started to think about what happened during 2011 between putting our decorations away and bringing them out again. The major change in my life was returning to work in July from Maternity Leave. We had a lovely holiday in Cyprus; my older brother got married to his perfect bride; my younger brother graduated from university, got a job and moved out of my parents' house; my little girl was christened, started nursery and turned one; we built an extension and a new kitchen; one of my closest friends got engaged; several close friends and family members fell pregnant or had babies; another close friend went travelling and we went to Poland, Solihull and Sheffield for weddings. That is everything I can think of at the moment but I am sure as soon as I post this I'll remember other things. Looking at the list like that it appears that we had a very busy year with many things happening to us and those around us. At times during the twelve months it certainly felt that way, rushing from one event to the next and barely breathing inbetween. At other points life felt very quiet.
The conversation today did become quite morbid at times, with talk of funerals, although we have been exceptionally lucky that we did not have to attend one in 2011. I am strongly hoping that we are as lucky during 2012, and I hope that you are all lucky In that respect too.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2012 brings. It already promises the excitement of four weddings, a holiday in the summer(as yet unbooked) and the heart melting arrival of lots of gorgeous newborns for cuddles and snuggles. I am hoping that the promise of the new year brings lots of happiness, good health and new adventures to you all as well as to me and mine.
I started to think about what happened during 2011 between putting our decorations away and bringing them out again. The major change in my life was returning to work in July from Maternity Leave. We had a lovely holiday in Cyprus; my older brother got married to his perfect bride; my younger brother graduated from university, got a job and moved out of my parents' house; my little girl was christened, started nursery and turned one; we built an extension and a new kitchen; one of my closest friends got engaged; several close friends and family members fell pregnant or had babies; another close friend went travelling and we went to Poland, Solihull and Sheffield for weddings. That is everything I can think of at the moment but I am sure as soon as I post this I'll remember other things. Looking at the list like that it appears that we had a very busy year with many things happening to us and those around us. At times during the twelve months it certainly felt that way, rushing from one event to the next and barely breathing inbetween. At other points life felt very quiet.
The conversation today did become quite morbid at times, with talk of funerals, although we have been exceptionally lucky that we did not have to attend one in 2011. I am strongly hoping that we are as lucky during 2012, and I hope that you are all lucky In that respect too.
I am looking forward to seeing what 2012 brings. It already promises the excitement of four weddings, a holiday in the summer(as yet unbooked) and the heart melting arrival of lots of gorgeous newborns for cuddles and snuggles. I am hoping that the promise of the new year brings lots of happiness, good health and new adventures to you all as well as to me and mine.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Returning to work
As a teacher I returned to work today after two weeks Christmas holiday. I know many people's reactions when they hear that I am teacher go along the lines of "Wow, you lot get so much holiday every year!" and "What do you do with all your time off?" While it is admittedly lovely not to have to set an alarm every day and to be able to be in your own home and not in a work environment; the holidays for the vast majority of teachers are spent working, be it planning lessons or marking students' work. I am not planning on using this post to defend teachers and the holidays they get but rather to look at returning to work; whether you are a teacher, receptionist, lawyer, software engineer, health care assistant, optician or you work in HR; after a break.
I have been doing my job for nearly eight years and I still feel the same after every holiday. I always have a very poor nights sleep the night before, with a million things whizzing around my brain. I am a compulsive list maker and I try to use lists to ease the anxiety but no matter how many lists I make I still can't stop my mind going into overdrive. I am always so tired when my alarm goes off the next morning but I very dutifully haul myself out of bed and launch straight into my usual routine. There is comfort from having an established routine and it makes me feel better able to face the day. When I arrive at work I always feel extremely unprepared no matter how much preparation I have in fact done. Whether it is an inset day full of meetings or a day full of lessons, before breaktime I have always made another new list as long as my arm of things I need to accomplish before I leave work that day. It is a day of hitting the ground running and trying to catch up with yourself and chasing your tail and any other cliche you can think of. Whenever I get home I always feel exhausted, as if I have been back at work a whole week, but feeling a lot better having got the first day back out of the way.
These feelings of anxiety and panic never change, no matter how long I have been doing this job or whether it is returning after a one week half term or a six week summer holiday. When I returned from Maternity Leave these feelings were hugely magnified. I spent at least six weeks before my scheduled return feeling increasingly depressed, overwhelmed and terrified. Think extended Sunday Night Blues! I am very fortunate to work with lots of very lovely and very supportive people and they were wonderful as usual, helping fill me in, providing me with resources and putting up with endless questions. I felt like I was completely out of the loop on most things but at the same time, strangely, that I had never been gone. It took more than a day for those feelings to begin to disappear. At times they are still there and I still feel like I am catching up with everything and returning to work today I felt a small amount of the feelings that I had then. It got me thinking whether it is human nature to feel this way upon returning to work or whether it is just a part of the teaching profession.
Still, another day of work tomorrow and I have a mountain of things to do. I just wanted to write this while the feelings were still fresh.
I have been doing my job for nearly eight years and I still feel the same after every holiday. I always have a very poor nights sleep the night before, with a million things whizzing around my brain. I am a compulsive list maker and I try to use lists to ease the anxiety but no matter how many lists I make I still can't stop my mind going into overdrive. I am always so tired when my alarm goes off the next morning but I very dutifully haul myself out of bed and launch straight into my usual routine. There is comfort from having an established routine and it makes me feel better able to face the day. When I arrive at work I always feel extremely unprepared no matter how much preparation I have in fact done. Whether it is an inset day full of meetings or a day full of lessons, before breaktime I have always made another new list as long as my arm of things I need to accomplish before I leave work that day. It is a day of hitting the ground running and trying to catch up with yourself and chasing your tail and any other cliche you can think of. Whenever I get home I always feel exhausted, as if I have been back at work a whole week, but feeling a lot better having got the first day back out of the way.
These feelings of anxiety and panic never change, no matter how long I have been doing this job or whether it is returning after a one week half term or a six week summer holiday. When I returned from Maternity Leave these feelings were hugely magnified. I spent at least six weeks before my scheduled return feeling increasingly depressed, overwhelmed and terrified. Think extended Sunday Night Blues! I am very fortunate to work with lots of very lovely and very supportive people and they were wonderful as usual, helping fill me in, providing me with resources and putting up with endless questions. I felt like I was completely out of the loop on most things but at the same time, strangely, that I had never been gone. It took more than a day for those feelings to begin to disappear. At times they are still there and I still feel like I am catching up with everything and returning to work today I felt a small amount of the feelings that I had then. It got me thinking whether it is human nature to feel this way upon returning to work or whether it is just a part of the teaching profession.
Still, another day of work tomorrow and I have a mountain of things to do. I just wanted to write this while the feelings were still fresh.
Monday, 2 January 2012
A new year and the inevitable new years resolutions
This is the start of a new year and hopefully the start of a new me. 2011 has held a lot of happy memories and times but there are also things about it it that I'd prefer to forget. I am guessing these sentiments are shared by the vast majority of people in the world. For the first time ever I sat and wrote out a proper list of new years resolutions rather than the usual resolutions fleetingly thought of and quickly forgotten. Hopefully this will mean that I actually stick to them this year!
So, a selection of my resolutions:
1) To make more time to see friends and family. As I work full time as a teacher and then work a lot in the evenings and weekends my time off is precious. I spend as much time as possible with my one year old daughter and my husband but I also need to make time for friends and family. I think it is more the fact that I have to get better about organising dates in the diary. Whatever the reason, be it time or organisation, there are some friendships that need a bit of TLC and a few family members that have been a bit neglected this past year.
2) To enjoy my house and garden more. Last year we had an extension built with a new kitchen and we are still getting everything settled and finished off. The lack of a decent kitchen was one reason I didn't like spending time in my home or entertaining but that has now been remedied, meaning there is no excuse now. There are more projects on the horizon but after living here for 5 1/2 years I have finally got my kitchen. I am also a keen gardener. That was another big project we took on when we bought this house. The garden was an absolute wilderness set on a steep slope. My younger brother was wonderful and spent a lot of time doing a lot of hard work to put levels in for us, then a friend with a landscape gardening business built us a proper patio. This has made the garden much nicer to be in and I even have a nice sized dedicated vegetable patch, along with all the tubs ranged around the patio. Due to the building work this year I was unable to make any use of the garden and the veg I had planted out I was unable to get to and it was all eaten alive and ruined. It was such a shame to see all my hard work wasted when I was finally able to get back out there. This year I am looking forward to a full gardening year and lots of BBQs in the summer and dinner parties in the other seasons.
3) To read more. The pile of books that I am planning on reading is growing steadily higher and the sight is beginning to depress me. It is such a pleasure to read a good book and something I am really missing. I used to be able to read a novel in next to no time but now finding the time to read even a chapter is a struggle.
4) To write more. As I've said before, I miss actually writing something, fiction or non-fiction. It is not the same marking the work of others. Sometimes I am jealous of my students when I set them a writing task and wish that I was a student again to write more. I have been writing some fiction over the past year or two and I will be sharing some of it on here for you to hopefully enjoy. This is also the reason I have decided to write a blog, for the enjoyment of writing.
There are several more resolutions on my list, the inevitable ones to lose weight, be better with money, to update my wardrobe etc, but I won't bore you with those.
Happy New Year everyone. Here is to a wonderful year and one where the resolutions made are stuck to throughout the whole year.
So, a selection of my resolutions:
1) To make more time to see friends and family. As I work full time as a teacher and then work a lot in the evenings and weekends my time off is precious. I spend as much time as possible with my one year old daughter and my husband but I also need to make time for friends and family. I think it is more the fact that I have to get better about organising dates in the diary. Whatever the reason, be it time or organisation, there are some friendships that need a bit of TLC and a few family members that have been a bit neglected this past year.
2) To enjoy my house and garden more. Last year we had an extension built with a new kitchen and we are still getting everything settled and finished off. The lack of a decent kitchen was one reason I didn't like spending time in my home or entertaining but that has now been remedied, meaning there is no excuse now. There are more projects on the horizon but after living here for 5 1/2 years I have finally got my kitchen. I am also a keen gardener. That was another big project we took on when we bought this house. The garden was an absolute wilderness set on a steep slope. My younger brother was wonderful and spent a lot of time doing a lot of hard work to put levels in for us, then a friend with a landscape gardening business built us a proper patio. This has made the garden much nicer to be in and I even have a nice sized dedicated vegetable patch, along with all the tubs ranged around the patio. Due to the building work this year I was unable to make any use of the garden and the veg I had planted out I was unable to get to and it was all eaten alive and ruined. It was such a shame to see all my hard work wasted when I was finally able to get back out there. This year I am looking forward to a full gardening year and lots of BBQs in the summer and dinner parties in the other seasons.
3) To read more. The pile of books that I am planning on reading is growing steadily higher and the sight is beginning to depress me. It is such a pleasure to read a good book and something I am really missing. I used to be able to read a novel in next to no time but now finding the time to read even a chapter is a struggle.
4) To write more. As I've said before, I miss actually writing something, fiction or non-fiction. It is not the same marking the work of others. Sometimes I am jealous of my students when I set them a writing task and wish that I was a student again to write more. I have been writing some fiction over the past year or two and I will be sharing some of it on here for you to hopefully enjoy. This is also the reason I have decided to write a blog, for the enjoyment of writing.
There are several more resolutions on my list, the inevitable ones to lose weight, be better with money, to update my wardrobe etc, but I won't bore you with those.
Happy New Year everyone. Here is to a wonderful year and one where the resolutions made are stuck to throughout the whole year.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)